Reflection 19 – A Hidden Dimension In Teaching

Sometime in 2007. This is my fourth year working as a researcher at the Japan External Trade Organization (JETRO). Slowly but surely, I’m getting more and more convinced that my real passion lies in academia rather than the corporate world. A year earlier, I had just finished my MA in economics at AUC The American University in Cairo. My thesis investigated performance of conventional banks compared to Islamic ones in Malaysia ; a topic (Islamic finance) I was very passionate about at that time. We used to receive guests from Japan, who basically came to study and analyze certain industries deemed lucrative to Japanese investors, and then upon their return sought ways to promote trade and investment between both countries. On one unique occasion, we received visitors from a Japanese university, who ironically also had their own interest in the field of Islamic finance. Our common interest opened up venues for fruitful dialogues leading me to later apply for and get accepted at their PhD program (despite the acceptance, I never ended up going to Japan and rather preferred to pursue my PhD in the US). Anyhow, the Japanese professor was accompanied by a Pakistani colleague also interested in the same field. The Pakistani fellow told me something that I would never forget.
What did the Pakistani professor tell me that got FOREVER imprinted in my head?!
Before their departure, the Pakistani professor paid me a visit and we talked about academics and my willingness to pursue a PhD. It was a fruitful conversation and one thing really stood out for me. He told me being a professor requires that you are a 100% present with your mind in class unlike a student, who might be sleepy one day, tired, or decides to skip class altogether. As a professor, you don‘t have this luxury. Sometimes you will be teaching while a beloved family member might be undergoing surgery, you are grappling with bad news, or you yourself might be in pain! Students sitting in front of you won‘t know what you are going through but you still need to do your job in the best possible way. I wouldn‘t experience this until I began teaching at Qatar University between 2014 and 2017. And this of course would be fully experienced once I was diagnosed with ALS.
Living with ALS was a big struggle for me. For years, none of my students nor colleagues knew about it (in fact, I assume that most of them only got to know through this page couple of weeks ago). I had to experience severe psychological and emotional pain that I would in turn keep to myself. Sometimes it was really challenging going into my classes and pretending there is nothing wrong (I can literally hear my Pakistani colleague talking to me). That was especially true in the first couple of months at AUC as I was still wrapping my head around what I am (and will be) going through. For example, I had to be teaching a day or so after my initial diagnosis, and that was extremely devastating. These emotional roller-coasters would remain with me for some time. However, as with everything, time normalizes almost anything! For me, what was getting more difficult and embarrassing with time was dealing with my physical deficiencies. I started tripping and falling more frequently, my walk got awkward, and I couldn‘t type nor write normally. Of the funny / sad moments I had was when my students asked for my signature and I simply didn‘t know what to do!! And this of course would keep escalating as my condition deteriorated until something happened that NO ONE ever imagined. COVID!!! For most people it was a nightmare but for me it was more than I can dream of. Why? Basically it meant that I would be able to continue on with my job but without having to go to university and bear the burden of embarrassment. While most people were complaining of online teaching, I was probably the happiest person doing classes on Zoom .