Reflection 30 – Killing The Arrogance Inside Myself

Muhammad Ali was a great boxer, athlete, and an iconic figure. Besides being a superstar within the rings, he also had some interesting views and actions; most famously refusing to participate in the Vietnam War for which he was harshly penalized in the boxing community. Anyhow, he was known for his strong character, hard-spoken tongue, and courageous attitude. One would assume that for someone popular and athletic like him, it would be pretty difficult to accept and deal with Parkinson Disease that he got at an elder age. For anyone following him throughout his life, he used to be a guest in different live shows and talks. For me, I always admired his toughness, self dignity, and outright courage. Several years back, I watched one of those live shows and was hardly struck by what he had to say in response to one of the moderator questions. Basically, he asked why did he come to this show knowing that people will see his shaky hands and heavy tongue after knowing him for years with his amazing athletic body (personally, I saw it as a rude question!). However, his reply was definitely unexpected. He began by citing the authentic Prophetic hadeeth that one will not enter paradise if one has an atom’s weight of arrogance in his/her heart. But what does have to do with attending the show? In simple terms, he said that the only reason that would have prevented him from attending would be arrogance; that he would have held his self-image so high that it would not be befitting for him to appear in front of the audience with these bodily defects. In this case, he said, he would have arrogance in his heart that he wanted to make sure to wipe out!
I remembered this whole scene as I journeyed through ALS and especially as my bodily changes began to be visible for the naked eye. For so long, I was horrified by the fact that I would end up looking like this or like that. I preferred to stay within the comfort zone of being around people, who are both close and familiar with my case. I was always worried and embarrassed to get into contact with those unfamiliar with my diagnosis, and therefore having to go through the process of explaining what is going on. As I mentioned before, most of my colleagues and students only knew two months ago when I began publishing my reflections. I was sadly ashamed of what I was looking like and at the same time horrified how I would eventually look like as ALS progressed. I kind of remember telling my wife something like if things get really worse, don‘t let people see me except a very small and close circle! For me, I thought I wanted to preserve a certain self-image within people‘s minds so that they always have a certain (nice and healthy) within their heads. In sum, the psychological burden was too intense for me that I couldn’t accept another scenario! In Muhammad Ali’s terms, I held my self-image too high and couldn‘t really accept the NEW ME! But that would eventually change!!
Following his footsteps, I began to realize that it was this hidden arrogance that would not allow me to let go of the fact of how people PERCEIVED me. I was too obsessed with how I looked like and the sympathy people will show once they see my deteriorating condition. It took me some time alone with the encouragement of those around me to be at ease with things. Now, I‘m happily taking pictures with friends with a long tube hanging from my neck being posted on a public media platform (something I would have never imagined only a few months ago!). But I am much more relieved now doing this and hopefully demonstrating to myself and Allah before anyone else that I am accepting my fate as decreed by him and not being ashamed of what I am going through, and by doing this hopefully eliminating any signs of arrogance in my personality!