Reflection 45 – On The Toughness Of The Life Of A Widow!

Life is tough!
Each individual amongst us have their own difficulties in life. Of course, some of us have it easier than others. As I try to reflect on others who go through different calamities, I cannot think of a tougher life than the life of a widow. Someone whose husband passed away and left her (sometimes suddenly!) with their lovely kids. She decided to continue her life on her own with the pursuit of raising her kids in the best possible way. Although most of us have different social support systems that can help at different stages of life, it remains to be a tough life. On the one hand, usually much of this external assistance does not remain consistent throughout time but rather sporadic! And on the other hand, there remains a sort of loneliness that she will feel in certain moments of her life and in her day like when she lies alone in bed at night eager to tell her husband some of her daily stories only to find herself talking to that cozy pillow! People might see her from the outside as very strong and resilience unrecognizing her delicacy and fragility! Why did I think of this whole widow issue?! Yes, and probably as many of you correctly guessed, it‘s nothing else other than ALS . But, I think in my case (and basically for my lovely wife), the scenario is a bit different! Actually, it is rather awkward!!
I don’t even have a proper definition for what she is going through. Is she a widow?! Sometimes, I feel she is not a widow but a widow at the same time! Sometimes she is this and others that. For her, I am there but not there. As I ponder on our relationship in the last couple of months (basically after being hospitalized and intubated), I find myself in a very odd situation to say the least. Most of the stuff I used to do before (different errands) has been forcefully handed down to her. Now, she has to assume both the role of husband and wife! My lack of participation in any outdoor activities for my kids, has added another layer of responsibility previously not there. Even our private life and closeness has been abruptly ruptured with the invasion of privacy necessitated by the crucial existence of strangers such as nurses and caregivers. I feel I don’t own my life anymore. But did I really own it back then before ALS?! Now, this is a question that I need to get at ease at and I don’t fully claim I know the truth about it. But let me convey my humble opinions.
First, ALS has forcefully enlightened me with the fact that I don’t own my own body. Yes, these slim long fingers that used to obey my brain being doing as asked are not responsive anymore. Why did you leave me now you traitors . In fact, my whole body is being bounced here and there with strangers doing their own thing in it without me having much say in it. As I delved and reflected more into Quran, I saw that Allah usually (and maybe always but not sure) refers to money as HIS, for which he granted people temporary ownership over it. This is a PRETTY difficult fact to realize, accept, and therefore act accordingly. This “nothingness” approach (a term I just came up with ); that you and I basically own nothing, might make things easier. Honestly, if you don‘t fully own anything around you, then you shouldn’t be that sad once you lose it! I think this is a kind of a (bitter) fact, that we should realize and gradually begin to internalize and finally hopefully normalize in our daily lives .
For all of you women out there, both widows and semi-widows, I’m very confident and optimistic that Allah has prepared for you inshaAllah tremendous rewards! Hold on there because you are doing a heroic job .